Copyright © 1998 Jeff Unsworth

El Toopay

It startid wi a bawd spot,
Abeawt as big as orf a creawn.
Then it gett'n bigger,
un werk't its road areawnd.

Every time I ad a bath,
or washed mi hair at neet.
I'd look deawn on'tert floo'er,
There'd bi hair aw reawnd mi feet.

Faw'in eawt in chunks, it wuz.
Bawd as a coot , on top.
Un then I tried a Toopay,
Favver'd a flamin mop.

I said I would'nt wear it,
Wife said, it looked awreet.
I said us folk erd laff at mi ,
becos it looked a seet.

Her geet her road, I wore it.
It were stuck on wi tape, un pinned.
Burr everybody laffed at mi.
It blew off in't flipp'in wind.

Hell To Pay ( Toupee ) (Translation)

It started with a bald spot.
About as big as half a crown.
Then it got much bigger.
And worked it's way around.

Everytime I had a bath.
Or washed my hair at night ( neet)
I 'd look down onto the floor
There would be hair all round my feet.

Falling out in chunks it was.
Bald as a coot on top.
And then I tried a toupee.
It looked just like a mop.

I said I would'nt wear it.
The wife said it looked all right 
I said that folk would laugh at me
Because it looked a sight.


She got her way, I wore it.
It was stuck on with tape and pinned.
But everybody laughed at me.
It blew off in the flipp'in wind

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