Dealing with Sexual Desire
First of all we have to realise that God created mankind, male and female.
This is the norm, anything that strays away from the norm is considered abnormal.
Physiologically, when we observe the male and the female form, we can see how God has made them to fit together for sexuality and procreation.
Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Sexual attraction is normal when it is between a man and a woman.
Sex is a gift of God and in its right context, is something that should be a blessing to a couple.
God never intended sex to be debased or manipulated as we see it today. He quite clearly designed the gift of sex for committed marriages. Marriage, meaning a commitment to one person, entering into an intimate relationship with a person of the opposite sex.
Intimacy is more than a physical sexual act.
Intimacy is a better way of expressing what sex is in a relationship. Intimacy in a marital relationship should include closeness, familiarity, commitment and rapport. Without intimacy, the sexual intercourse is nothing more than what we see on television, or in films, lurid, erotic fiction that is used for self gratification.
God made us the way we are, we are built for a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
Anything else is outside of God’s intention and if only men and women would stick to this concept, the world would be a far better place to live.
However, we know, that what God intended for humanity, Satan intends to mar.
The difficulty that we have as human beings is the fact that sin entered the world with Adam and because of this, men inherited a sinful nature and the things we should do, we find ourselves doing the opposite.
What was created good by God, is used for evil.
Since the fall, man has struggled with what the scripture calls “the lust of the flesh and the pride of life”
1 John 2:16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world.
The world is in the clutches of the evil one, who the scriptures call “the god of this world”.
If the sexual desire in man was not as strong as it is, he would never leave his mother.
Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
However, because of this strong desire, we can be lured into temptation and succumb to the lusts of the flesh.
Many a prominent figure has fallen to this temptation and in doing so has been brought low.
In the Bible, King David is a typical example of a prominent person, chosen by God, falling to this sexual desire. Not only is he led into sin of adultery by his sexual desire but also into murder.
He committed adultery with Bathsheba, getting her pregnant and then going on to kill her husband Uriah.
We also see the consequences of his actions through the sufferings of others.
How then, when we see men of this stature falling to the temptation of sexual desire, are we to deal with it in our own lives.
Any healthy male can understand the temptations that come their way. It is not necessarily planned but our eyes lead us into temptation and often the body reacts. It is then that we have to make a choice.
Do we entertain the thought, do we act on the thought in our mind and heart and even more dangerous, do we act on it physically.
What about Temptation?
In our sex-saturated culture, many unmarried people, especially young people, feel pressured to be sexually active. The temptations now may be greater than ever because people are delaying marriage until their late 20s or 30s.
However, the Bible consistently teaches self-control rather than self-indulgence.
Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
Gal 5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
Gal 5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Gal 5:23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
Gal 5:24 And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
God has made it possible for us to resist temptation.
1Co 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
The problem is, do we grasp the way of escape or do succumb to the desires of the flesh.
In Biblical teachings, the privilege of having sex requires the commitment of marriage. Sexually-transmitted diseases, unintended pregnancy, and emotional pain are too often the price paid for sex without marriage.
Does Having Sex Create a Marriage?
Things are very different in our day to the times of the Bible.
Marriage was neither a civil nor religious event. The fathers of the bride and groom made a marriage contract known as a betrothal. There was no sexual contact during this period.
After a year-long betrothal, the man took the woman into his home, and they consummated the marriage with sexual intercourse.
The Bible uses different ways to express this.
Going into her, knowing her, becoming one with her, laying with her.
However, once married, the religious laws and customs of the time strongly prohibited adultery and provided physical and financial protections for the spouses and their children
In today's world, it is the legal marriage that provides similar protections. Merely having sex or living together does not fulfil the functions of the Biblical model of marriage.
Does the Bible Say a Couple Must Get Married if They Have Sex?
One Old Testament passage says a man who seduces a virgin must marry her if her father consents.
Exo 22:16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.
Exo 22:17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.
However, as Christians we are no longer under the law. A decision about marriage must be made with prayer and with unselfish consideration for everyone involved, especially children.
We can deduce from scripture, that premarital sex and extramarital sex is seen as wrong by God and that sexual activity should only happen within the bounds of a married relationship.
The Bible does not provide a specific list of acts that constitute "sexual immorality," but these verses, also written by Paul, seem to say that any sexual intercourse, except between husband and wife, would be wrong:
1 Corinthians 7:1-40
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ...
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
The Apostle knew how strong the sexual urges are, especially when a man and a woman get in close proximity.
Just because the Apostle was not married, does not mean that he did not come under the same temptations as we do.
The Bible is not clear on how a couple should behave in a relationship. However it is clear as to what he is saying. If it is getting to a point where the couple cannot control their desires, then it is not wrong to follow it through but they should marry.
1 Corinthians 7:36
If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin.
It appears that this advice is directed to the father of a virgin rather than the man in the relationship.
Gills commentary explains it like this:
But if any man think,.... This some understand of a man that is engaged, or betrothed to a virgin, and protracts marriage, who may use his prudence in consummating it, if he pleases, for any thing the apostle has said to the contrary: but it is better to understand it of a parent, or one that has the care and guardianship of virgins; if such an one is of opinion, that he behaveth himself uncomely towards his virgin: by exposing her to contempt and reproach, in retaining her at home, and not giving her in marriage when at proper age for such a state;
I do not believe that this verse is advocating sex before marriage.
This why Paul advises earlier, "it better to marry than burn with passion". 1 Cor 7:9
What about other kinds of sexual activity?
The Bible again is not clear on such things as sexual petting whilst in a relationship. However, one thing leads to another and it is quite clear where such things lead.
There are however, things that are very clear in the Word of God.
We know from scripture that God hates homosexual behaviour.
Homosexuality is contrary to God’s law, it is wrong, plain and simple, it is against God’s natural order and sin appals a holy God.
The Bible makes it quite clear what this activity is and uses strong words to explain it.
Genesis 19:5: "And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them."
Of course, this is alluding to sodomy.
Leviticus 18:22: " Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
Leviticus 20:13: "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."
Deuteronomy 23:17: " There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel."
Romans 1:26-27: "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."
1 Corinthian 6:9: "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind."
1 Timothy 1:9:10: "Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers,
10 For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine;"
For anyone who will follow God’s Word, homosexual practice is not correct.
It is quite clear from scripture that it is wrong and not natural.
What about normal sexual behaviour?
What does the Bible say about sexual behaviour?
Well, we have seen that to engage in sexual intercourse before a marriage relationship, according to scripture, is wrong and comes under the heading of fornication. Also sexual behaviour outside of a marriage relationship is also wrong being called adultery.
Is it just the act that is sin?
Job understood long ago the powerful temptation visual images can be. He understood how the heart can embrace impure thoughts and how even the very thought of sin can be sin.
He knew that fornication and adultery are sin.
Exo 20:14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Being a good man, does not put anyone above temptation to sin. Just like David, Job had to guard against sin, working to avoid even the appearance of anything improper.
Job realised he could be vulnerable if he did not exercise mental diligence. It would not necessarily be the fault of the other person, but the lack of self-control within himself: “If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door” (Job 31:9).
He knew what he had to control and that was his mind!
Scripture reveals that Job was a committed and faithful husband. This was reinforced centuries later by Jesus Christ when He said: “I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
So, it is not just the act that is sin but the way in which we deal with a temptation. If we harbour the thought and use the thought for self gratification, it is just as wrong.
What about sin within a marriage?
A relationship between a husband and wife is more than just sex, it is a sharing of one with the other. It should be a meeting of emotions not just a means of fulfilling a sexual need.
Intimacy is more than just a physical relationship and is different for men and women.
Very often a woman seeks emotional closeness, where a man may seek physical intimacy.
Talking, hugging, feeling of closeness and security and trust is often very important to a woman.
When these things are present in a relationship, a woman can respond physically in a more responsive way. Feeling emotionally attached to a mate takes physical intimacy to a level that simple physical sex cannot achieve.
Men's brains and emotions, generally are wired differently, and physical intimacy is how a man feels close to his wife. That does not mean he does not have an emotional need as well; because for a lasting relationship, this is required. However, most men need physical intimacy to feel loved.
It is important to note that sex alone is not enough. The emotional connection must be there for him if any physical expression is to be meaningful.
I am not a counsellor but I have been married for fifty six years and I have learned over time that the physical side of marriage is not the most important part.
If I was to say why I think my marriage has survived the years of a fast changing society, I would say, communication and closeness in and out of the bedroom.
Be genuinely concerned about her day and her feelings. Put an arm around her and show and tell her often that you love her. This is what she desires, and it must not be with an ulterior motive, it should be before any meaningful physical relationship.
The Apostle Paul gives sound advice on this in his letter to the Ephesians.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
The word used for love in this passage is: Greek - Agape.
Agape love is the stuff that holds a marriage—and a family—together through all kinds of seasons. It's the selfless, unconditional type of love that helps people to forgive one another, to respect one another, and to serve one another, day in and day out.
The apostle Paul taught that husbands and wives are to serve each other. He showed how the gift of sex in a pure marriage differs from the sexually explicit and crude culture of today.
1 Corinthians 7:3 “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband”.
The word affection here is (Greek –eunoia) kindness; euphemistically conjugal duty: - benevolence, good will.
Paul also wrote: 1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”.
This is strong teaching. It means husband or wife should not hold back their physical affection.
“Except with consent” means by a mutual understanding and specifically for the spiritual devotions of prayer and fasting.
“And come together again”—the apostle does not recommend that husbands and wives have a lasting physical separation in their marriage. He understood that this would expose them to temptations and possible immorality, which the marriage union is designed to avoid.
He adds a further warning about the invisible, evil influence of Satan the devil. A godly man and woman cannot allow unchaste thoughts or unbridled passions to corrupt their lives because of a lack of self-control. Statistics for divorce confirm his wisdom.
The Bible does not guide on sexual behaviour in the marriage bed.
However the verses above are a guide as to how both wife and husband should treat the other, with respect and love.
This means not using or abusing the other and not forcing practices on the other. Both parties must be comfortable and not made to feel pressured.
It seems clear from scripture that sexual desire is a normal human desire and God has made it clear when and where this desire should be fulfilled.
The problem arises when selfishly we seek to indulge ourselves without following the guidelines of scripture.
When we give in to our desires, to gratify the lusts of the flesh.
Many people feel guilty or dirty or ashamed after indulging in gratifying themselves sexually or when they think about it later. They feel alone, like they're dirty and a failure. But the truth is, the act of self gratification is not the issue. The issue is what has driven the desire to gratify oneself.
This is the problem that needs to be addressed. The sin begins even before we get to the act.
The position we should aim for is to be able to resist the temptation.
1Co 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
